Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Laura Ingalls

The opera company hosted an ice cream social this afternoon. It's nice that they do things like that. We (Alex and I) went last year. This year it feels like fewer people went and it was much more low-key. Not that it was wild or anything last year, but people relaxed, had fun, sat on the grass, played around with a football and so on. This year many people crowded around one table behind some bushes. There was a serious air to the event.

Of course I'm interpreting all this from my own serious mood - my friend's loss first and foremost on my mind - the funeral was this morning - and then this tiny seed of paranoia that was planted when I received the complaint and threat to be cut off from the company based on what I wrote in my blog. I'm totally insane - I'm very aware of the insanity - yet I can't help thinking, "Is he/she avoiding me? Avoiding eye contact? Being barely civil?" Yes, the paranoia has set in. I have this bad fantasy going that as soon as the production is over I'm going to be informed that my volunteerism is no longer needed. But looking back over my blog, I see no posts that would precipitate that. Other than a few insecure posts about the singer/super relationship last year, most of my blog says how great the company is and how talented everyone is. Otherwise it's my voice lessons and my silly and embarrassing fan posts. I'd volunteer to do more for them if I didn't feel so weird about everything right now.

Oh yeah and then there's the tracker - It tells me what cities people are accessing the blog from. And even though it's not always very accurate, don't think that doesn't feed my paranoia. I have nothing to hide, I've done nothing wrong, yet of course I'm a nervous nellie. It's kind of like when a cop car pulls up behind you. You get that "Oh no am I about to be pulled over" feeling even though you know you haven't been speeding and then you become totally self-conscious about your driving until they turn off at the donut shop.

You know part of this must stem from the fact that I haven't had a voice lesson in over a month. I miss my weekly psychology sessions that the lessons have become.

That, and I probably need some serious anti-anxiety meds.

Ah well. As my mom friends and I keep telling each other on our online message boards, this too shall pass. And as Ma Ingalls always said, "Least said, soonest mended," (#68, if you follow that link) so I'm keeping my mouth shut. And I guess my keyboard too from now on. (only about this subject, don't worry!)