"Try to be abnormal"

So said my teacher to me in the hallway after I sang. Apparently my feeling of disappointment in myself, of wanting to rush back in and do it over, of beating myself up over the little mistakes, of just feeling embarrassed about myself, apparently that's all normal. ????

It was so weird. I wasn't nervous until after I had begun singing. I was sort of looking over their heads. Then I glanced down at them and saw that they were furiously scribbling, and any shred of calmness and self-certainty that I had left went out the window. I cracked, I lost my vibrato on some notes and was generally shaky sounding.

I've never sung with an accompanist before. I've never sung in front of people I didn't know, and certainly not people who were judging me. It was so weird - there were little parts here and there where I knew I was off but couldn't control it. I never sang "Goodnight My Someone" with any music other than my voice teacher playing the chords. I didn't realize there were several measures of piano after I was done singing. I was like, isn't it over? Why is she still playing? Did I forget a section? Should I still be singing? I was confused and a bit freaked out that I was doing something wrong. My teacher told me later that I picked up my water bottle while the piano was still going. I don't even remember doing that. She said that was my only real "mistake." She said I incorporated the things we talked about last week about creating vertical space, and she knows that I was off on the ornamentation in Lasciatemi Morire because of nerves. She said that for my first evaluation, and my first time singing with a real live accompanist, that I did very well, that I've worked hard all these months and I should be happy.

So why do I just want to cry? Relief?

Lest I bring the reader of my otherwise lighthearted blog down, take a look at the certificate I got. How silly is this! Yup, it's official. I've been evaluated. It's a little wrinkled because I sort of shoved it in my bag... And what, no frame? Time for a trip to the dollar store!