Friday, May 16, 2008

The Inner Workings of a Crazyish Mind

Thanks to everyone who left kind comments on my previous post. It's great to have the support - it helps!

I keep going back and forth between, this was no big deal, it's a learning exercise, or, a growth exercise, as my teacher pointed out, and not some sort of judgment of me as a person. But then I think, that's what it comes down to doesn't it? I put my whole self into my singing, so if I don't like how I sound, then I don't like myself. That's not exactly accurate. It's more like, if I don't like how I sound, I'm embarrassed? That's not it either. But it's something like that.

I'm also annoyed with myself for my reactions. I'm so annoyed that I got nervous. I work hard, I do my homework, I look at the music when I get a chance. I practice every day. I can sing those songs (and many others) in my sleep. But all of a sudden, those pencils were scribbling, that piano was playing and it sounded different than the CD accompaniment or my teacher (who should not beat HERSELF up or apologize about her playing!!!) and lost whatever dredges of relaxation were left in my body. When I don't like how I sound I usually put my hand to my throat as if it were betraying me. I found myself doing that which further annoyed me. Bad habit, must break!

I think one of the most important things, as one commenter pointed out, is that now I've done it. It's over with, there are no more first times. Sounds simple, but it's true.

Ok time to stop putting so much energy into this. On to the funny things:

Out in the hallway afterwards my teacher kept smacking me in the arm telling me not to beat myself up. *smack* "Don't beat yourself up!" *smack* "I know how you feel!" *smack* "Don't do this to yourself" *smack* and so on...

Yeah ok, now I won't need to beat myself up... :) No doubt that's why I cried like a baby in the car before driving home...

The other funny thing also involves my teacher: In her comment on the previous post, she called me a "gutsy girl." Girl, heh heh. A 41 year old girl. Did I ever mention that I'm her only adult student, the rest are teenagers?

I'm solo-parenting this week so I may not have time to post as much as I'd like... I'll make up for it next week, I promise!

One last thing - when putting the labels in for the post, "insanity" was already on the list. Hah!


Kaitebon said...

You know, I had a similar experience to yours at the end of this semester. I worked on singing "Hear ye Israel" from Mendelssohn's Elijah ALL SEMESTER. Not only did I know the song REALLY well, as a result of singing it so many times, I also made serious progress in my singing--basically I had gotten to the point where I was not embarrassed of my voice quality and breath control...I felt like I was finally on the right track. Anyway, we had juries, and I stood in front of the people watching with no mental reservations whatsoever, but something in my body was REALLY nervous, and my singing wasn't even remotely what it had been even that morning...

Anyway, I guess we all go through that? Dunno...but I know how you feel about it being frustrating and so disappointing...even though you KNOW it isn't the end of the world.

Kaitebon said...

PS: And it isn't even close to my first time...I've sung a solo in concert at least once a year since kindergarten...Agh!

Susan said...

Thank you Kaitebon! It's always nice to hear that someone else has experienced the same thing.
BTW, I followed the link to your blog from your comment and you know what? I've been to and read parts of your blog before!