Today while moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer I listened to myself sing in the echoing basement and realized that I sounded just terrible. And then something one of the neighbors said to Husband the other day came back to me in a flash: Have you considered duct tape? And then my brother this past weekend, also to Husband, How do you put up with this all day, while I was singing with my niece and nephew. Add to that, hearing over and over how much I've improved... well, I know it's a compliment, I really do, but in my twisted mind sometimes it translates to, "I must have really sucked before," since I don't like how I sound now. And then this evening, there I was in the basement, not liking what I was hearing at all. I forgot about how much I love studying voice, learning about music, learning about myself and all that - all I could think was that I've been wasting my time and money and I'll never have a pretty voice, and what the hell have I been doing to everyone around me and and and and, down that spiral ... and when I mentioned to Husband that I should just quit, he joked, "Hey, at least you'd be doing it at the end of the semester so you won't lose any money." I know he was kidding and that I have 100% support from him. But part of me thought, "Hm he's got a point there..." but THEN another part yelled in my head "NOOOOO!!!! You're continuing to study over the summer!!!" So that gave me hope in myself.
I know that this line of thought, all of it, from the beginning of the post, is all insane. I'm having a moment of self-doubt and it's turning into self-pity. The thing is, knowing that it's just some sort of moment and that it will pass doesn't make the moment any easier. I truly am my own worst enemy.
I just want to sound pretty. Is that too much to ask? I think I have to let myself like my voice. I have to hear the niceness in it, the good stuff, as I learn more and add more layers. I have to be patient - that's the hardest part! I want instant results!! Finally, I have to remember that building my voice as I have does not mean that I was bad before. It just means... it means I'm better than I was. No judgment on the past - just a relative comparison.
I'm not writing this to beg or ask for compliments. I just felt like sharing/venting/working through my self-doubts. This vocal journey I've been on feels like a roller-coaster ride sometimes. I'm up, I'm down, I'm all twisted around. The highs are high, the lows are low. I sound like such a drama-llama right now. I should probably stop typing and go slap some sense into myself.
Ok, off I go to do that now.