Six Hands

I feel I don't warrant all the congratulations I'm getting about that pseudo-audition. I mean, the guy told me beforehand that he just needed to hear me sing and then they'd put me in the program. Of course he could have said no, sorry, we don't want you, but I sort of got the feeling that anyone who could carry a tune could get in. If that's the case, do I really deserve all the congratulations and so on? On one hand, I never would have had the nerve to approach the guy if I didn't think I could sing through an aria in a halfway acceptable manner. On the other hand, it seems like anyone who can sing through an aria can sing with the group. On the third hand (break out the octopus, there will be lots of hands here), the other singers are "real." They have that super loud operatic sound. They're former opera singers and/or opera students in music school. And technically I think the part of the group I am with is called the Classical Singer Network, even though the recitals are all one event and everyone performs.

Ok, on the fourth hand... I did get up and sing. For someone in charge. Someone with the power to say, "Thanks but no thanks." I don't remember if I reported this in the last entry, but just before I began he asked how I was and I replied, "Nervous." "Good," he replied, "You should be." Then we began. So that's good. I mean, I did treat it like an audition. So it's good experience, even if was practically guaranteed to be successful. On the fifth hand, good experience for what? It's not like I can compete with opera students, ever. They are in a totally different league. This may be it for me. On the sixth hand, I shouldn't cut myself out of the game here. It's just the beginning, right? A few years of performance experience with this group while I continue to study and who knows what I'll be ready for.

I've come so far already. Should I be content with where I am? Because I'm not. I want to improve, gain confidence, get better, be pleased with my sound. I can certainly achieve the first three, and the fourth comes and goes depending on my mood. (meaning, check the calendar.)

Bottom line: No matter how "guaranteed" the spot with the group was, it's all good. And it can only get better.

Only six hands. I guess that leaves the octopus free to type with the two remaining tentacles.

My Own Worst Enemy = Me

Today while moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer I listened to myself sing in the echoing basement and realized that I sounded just terrible. And then something one of the neighbors said to Husband the other day came back to me in a flash: Have you considered duct tape? And then my brother this past weekend, also to Husband, How do you put up with this all day, while I was singing with my niece and nephew. Add to that, hearing over and over how much I've improved... well, I know it's a compliment, I really do, but in my twisted mind sometimes it translates to, "I must have really sucked before," since I don't like how I sound now. And then this evening, there I was in the basement, not liking what I was hearing at all. I forgot about how much I love studying voice, learning about music, learning about myself and all that - all I could think was that I've been wasting my time and money and I'll never have a pretty voice, and what the hell have I been doing to everyone around me and and and and, down that spiral ... and when I mentioned to Husband that I should just quit, he joked, "Hey, at least you'd be doing it at the end of the semester so you won't lose any money." I know he was kidding and that I have 100% support from him. But part of me thought, "Hm he's got a point there..." but THEN another part yelled in my head "NOOOOO!!!! You're continuing to study over the summer!!!" So that gave me hope in myself.

I know that this line of thought, all of it, from the beginning of the post, is all insane. I'm having a moment of self-doubt and it's turning into self-pity. The thing is, knowing that it's just some sort of moment and that it will pass doesn't make the moment any easier. I truly am my own worst enemy.

I just want to sound pretty. Is that too much to ask? I think I have to let myself like my voice. I have to hear the niceness in it, the good stuff, as I learn more and add more layers. I have to be patient - that's the hardest part! I want instant results!! Finally, I have to remember that building my voice as I have does not mean that I was bad before. It just means... it means I'm better than I was. No judgment on the past - just a relative comparison.

I'm not writing this to beg or ask for compliments. I just felt like sharing/venting/working through my self-doubts. This vocal journey I've been on feels like a roller-coaster ride sometimes. I'm up, I'm down, I'm all twisted around. The highs are high, the lows are low. I sound like such a drama-llama right now. I should probably stop typing and go slap some sense into myself.

Ok, off I go to do that now.