No Fear!

Normally I don’t make new year’s resolutions, but this year I did make just one: Don’t fear the high notes. There are notes that I can comfortably hit and sustain, but for some reason when they turn up with certain words in a song, or in a certain jump from another note, I swallow them. Why? Fear. For some reason I’ve been afraid of sounding screechy or flat or just plain wrong. But that fear was causing me to close up, which of course then makes the note screechy or flat or wrong. So from now on my motto is, don’t fear the high notes.

I've been missing my previous voice teacher a lot lately.  I can imagine what she'd tell me to do when the notes don't come out the way I want them to. Sometimes I can hear her voice in my head, telling me to lift lift lift my voice on top of the air, aim between my eyes, and so on.

 

I’m working on The Sun Whose Rays are All Ablaze, from the Mikado. There’s one note that under any other circumstance I have ZERO problems with, but here for some reason I have a mental block. I think it’s due to the consonants. The note is on the words, “our worth” and “awake.” I think the W is messing me up. And let’s not even talk about the R in “worth.” In fact, let’s forget it exists. The K in “awake,” too. Doing the W and then the R or K has been my downfall. Sure I want to have good pronunciation, but the phrase is repeated a moment later in notes that I sing just fine. It’s more important to keep a beautiful, round, rich open tone than to worry about pronouncing these two words perfectly. When I stuck that idea into my head, suddenly I could sing the notes! Such a simple solution. I just need to practice, practice, practice so that I do it correctly every time.

At yesterday’s voice lesson there were a few other people in the house, so for me it was a chance to practice singing in front of people. I definitely felt a little self-conscious. But after a little while I got used to it. I told my teacher how well I can sing in the shower and she suggested I keep that relaxed shower attitude whenever I sing. Except, keep my clothes on. Obviously.

She actually feels I’ve progressed enough to sing with the Opera Project main stage again. I’m not sure how to even bring that up with the director. I did ask him if they plan on having Wing singers in any main stage concerts this year, but they haven’t planned that far ahead yet. Then he told me that the Wing is planning to do scenes from Marriage of Figaro this Spring. To me, that’s pretty much a message to stay with the Wing. So for now I’ll just wait.

 

There’s actually no news on any upcoming Wing concerts for the library series. However, I learned that the showcase concert in May is going to be a little different this year. In the past, they assigned roles for a few scenes, and also had people sing arias or art songs. This time around they’re having auditions. I’ve been working on Marcelina’s part in the duet “Via resti servita” and I (personally) think that would be a fun one to do. But as much as I’d love to be in a scene, the reality of the situation is, I can’t attend a whole bunch of regular rehearsals, what with working full time, having a young kid who’s in swimming, baseball and sometimes soccer, etc. It’s also hard for me to find the time to learn the recit. I asked them if there’d be any possibility of a “park and bark” as I like to call it, to see if I can sing an aria or art song, but they said that Figaro will pretty much take up the entire program. So unless I get a part that’s just me running on stage and singing, I might not be able to participate. That makes me sad, especially because my former teacher created the Wing for people like me, to get practice singing in front of an audience. I don’t have a future goal of being a professional opera singer. I just like to sing. I kind of feel like a scenes-only show (consisting of mainly high-school students) excludes people like me – adults with a full time job and a family — and therefore goes against my former teacher’s intention when she created the group. But the group has evolved, as groups do, and there’s nothing I can do about it except continue to ask if I can do an aria. And I'll audition for the concert when the time comes. Hopefully it will all work out. Meanwhile, I’ll keep on studying. And who knows what other performance opportunities might crop up.

Back on the Horse

I still have the recording of my last lesson with my voice teacher from March on my iphone. About 2 weeks ago I was finally able to listen to it without crying. I actually sang along and felt happy. I realized I was ready to study again.

About the same time, I learned that The Opera Project was presenting a memorial concert for my voice teacher in October. I emailed the director with the idea in my head that if I don't ask if I can participate, I definitely won't be participating. If I do ask, there's a chance he'll say yes. And he did. I actually got a little weepy when I got his reply, saying that he's sure she would have wanted me to perform. So I'll sing Sposa son Disprezzata.

Next, I realized that I really do need to get some lessons in between now and then, because I've lost some of the breath control, legato and other good singing habits. So I got a few recommendations, contacted one of the teachers and we set up a trial lesson. That lesson was yesterday and it went really well! It turns out that he was at the Opera Project Wing concert where I sang Sposa. So he's heard me sing, he knows what I can do, he knows where I need work and also... he knew my voice teacher.

In the middle of this lesson I was internally freaking out thinking that there's no way I'll be ready to sing this song by October 18. Typical. And like my other voice teachers, he did a great deal of psychotherapy along with the regular voice lesson stuff.

I cried a little on the way home, because I miss my (late) voice teacher so much. I can't even. I'm getting weepy just typing this. But today I listened to yesterday's lesson, and practiced, and I can already hear an improvement in how I'm singing. So hopefully I'll make her proud. Now I will add her to the ranks of people I love who are no longer here, who I imagine come to the concerts to hear me sing.

One more thing about this October 18th concert: It's going to be broadcast live on a local radio station. They have a website with a link to listen online. NO PRESSURE. Zoinks.

Past, Present, Future

I really have no excuse for not blogging in so long. I keep having ideas of things I want to blog about, but I never seem to have them when I'm sitting in front of my computer.

So let's first do an update on Things That Have Already Happened.

Remember that contest I begged for votes for? Not the vintage cherry one. This one, to win a Meet & Greet with 30 Seconds to Mars? Well, like the vintage cherry contest, I won this one too, thanks to everyone's loyal daily voting!

Here we are in the room while Jared Leto thanked us blah blah blah.

Then we had the photos. Tomo, the "thumbs-up" guy in the black leather jacket, is the guitarist. As soon as he saw me he shouted, "OPERA SINGER!" So I gave him a big hug. Chatted with them a little, took this BORING photo...

So I asked for another, more creative pose:

This all took place before the concert, so even though we had been in the front of the line, we had no chance of getting on the barrier by the time we got into the theater. Instead we went up to the balcony and joined this row of photographers in the 1st row up there. They left after a few songs so then we had the row to ourselves!!

Next, let's have some singing updates. My last voice lesson was in March. I haven't had one since, and have been to only one coaching. I did perform, though. Here's what I did ... probably the best singing in front of people that I've ever done:



I'm thankful that I did have a chance to show this video to my voice teacher before she died.

There's a memorial for her at the end of the month. It'll be nice, I think. I've had no one really to talk to about her, I've just been mourning sort of on my own, which is very lonely. 

The other thing that's been filling my time and brain is that my son is now going to a special ed school for "smart kids with behavior challenges" ie, autism and adhd. We toured a bunch of schools, it was quite stressful. But we all like where he is now, him included. So things are settling down. I'm still doing a great deal of advocacy on his behalf with the school district over a few things, but things are getting done.

All this and I haven't really had time to sing. I sing a little, here and there, and of course in the car. But I feel like I'm losing my breath control and technique. I need a teacher. I have no idea how to find one, because I want MY teacher back. She didn't require payment up front, she understood that "life happens" and sometimes you have to cancel a lesson. I think I canceled maybe twice in the 4 years I went to her. Funny, my 1st two voice teachers sort of fell into my lap, without me looking for them. So who knows what'll happen next in my explorations.
 
More future stuff is, Met Opera tickets go on sale August 11. I want to see La Cenerentola and Die Fledermaus. It's hard to find someone to go with me though, and I don't have the money to shell out for an extra ticket in the hopes that someone will go. So I have a week to find a companion and convince them to pay now for an opera in April. Otherwise, I'm going alone. Wish me luck. I'll probably be going alone to Joyce DiDonato's recital in Princeton, but that's no big deal... just a 20 minute drive. I can eat pizza for dinner and still make it to the recital. But it's more fun when going to the Met to make it an adventure. So, we'll see!

Glittery!

The Opera Project WING concert was fun!!! The first part was scenes from Magic Flute, dialogue and some songs in English, some in German. It was cute! It’s amazing to hear these gorgeous, gorgeous voices coming out of such young bodies! Some of the girls are in 8th grade. How old is that, 14?

 
Here’s the Iolanthe scene:



 

See that tall girl with the long, dark hair, all the way to the left? Listen to her when she sings. Then remind yourself that she’s in EIGHTH GRADE! Imagine that voice in 10 years! We had a lot of fun with that scene. Some of it was improvised. I actually got some of my lines wrong, using words that have the same meaning, but still… not the right words. For example, my line was, “He’s extremely pretty,” but for some reason I said, “He’s exceptionally pretty.” Why? I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. We had a lot of fun, also backstage was fun sharing glitter makeup to make everyone more fairy-like.

Before Iolanthe, I sang Sposa:

As usual, I hear all the mistakes… especially that weirdo crack sound near the end… a sound I have never ever made before in my life, and couldn’t reproduce if I wanted to. It was as if a gallon of mucous suddenly poured out over my vocal chords. Most people told me they didn’t even hear it. It seems so LOUD to me but I’m taking their word for it. I did pretty well otherwise, although I know I can sound richer. I was a little nervous, you can hear it in the 2nd syllable when I first started to sing. But I’ve practiced the song so much that the nervousness sort of went away as I continued singing. In the past, it used to creep up and get worse, so there’s something.

I was thinking this weekend how thankful I am that the Guy In Charge of the Opera Project saw my potential back when I auditioned… him letting me sing with the group opened up a whole world of singing to me, allowed me to find a great teacher and gave me these opportunities to grow and perform that I never would have had otherwise. I should write him a note. Although how to do that, without being awkward? Hmm. Maybe I’ll tell him, the next time I see him.

Prancing Around

We’ve had one rehearsal for the upcoming concert and I have to say I think it’s going to be fun! I don’t do much in the Iolanthe scene except creep up on stage when I’m “called” from the deep, then sing my 2 lines, throw off my robe and happily greet my “fairy” sisters. I do a lot of smiling, I greet my son, smile at him as he sings and then the fairy sisters and I prance off stage. We will be wearing long flowy skirts and dresses. What are the chances I’ll step on the edge of my skirt and fall flat on my face, or even better, somehow end up pulling it off? Hopefully slim…

We didn’t yet get to practice it all together. They were all learning a dance while I was shown my staging. We have another rehearsal this weekend, it should be fun. Even though I do sort of feel like a den mother, or girl scout leader, or whatever. I think (but I’m not sure) that all but one of the fairies are in high school. It doesn't matter. But I do sense a sort of distance. I'm the grown-up. If only they knew how much like a 16 year old I feel inside!

At the rehearsal I also got to run through Sposa son Disprezzata with the accompanist. I finally have the timing and tempo correct. I think. There are a few parts where I have to remember to hold back on the breath at first, not to blurt it all out, so I have enough to finish the line. The other singers were coming in (with their parents, some of whom I might be older than…) while I was singing so it was good practice for me to have other people in the room and keep my focus. I did waver a little when I saw them look over. During the performance I focus on the back of the room, sort of toward the point where the wall meets the ceiling. And of course I will become the distraught, betrayed woman in the song, and try to get that emotion into my voice, all without losing my focus. That's the plan, at least.

They’re also doing a few scenes from Magic Flute, in English. I could overhear the 3 spirits singing, 3 girls, they sounded great. I’m looking forward to seeing it all.

Double Cross-Dressing

Once again I find myself apologizing for the huge gap in posting. Last month was a little hectic, but things have finally calmed down enough for me to catch up. And guess what? I sang in a concert and I’m actually not disgusted with my performance! I mean, yeah, of course I hear all the mistakes, but I’m pretty pleased for the most part. Here, decide for yourself.



And yes, as you see, this is my “alternate” youtube account, because once again EMI has made copyright claims on the 30 Seconds to Mars videos I posted. I filed the same response as I did last time. If/when my Luindriel account is reinstated, I’ll quickly change the descriptions on all the Mars videos.

But back to the concert. I played Cherubino in drag in another scene, dressed as a girl from the village bringing flowers to the Countess. That was fun because I got to act, hiding behind other girls while they shoved me to the front, and then they spun me down the line to end the song with me presenting the flowers to the Countess on the last beat of the music.

I also sang in the chorus for scenes from Die Fledermaus, Madame Butterfly, Dido & Aeneas and The Mikado. If videos of any of those scenes show up anywhere, I’ll post links.

An Interlude to my Interlude

Lots going on here! YouTube reinstated my page, hooray! And I'm doing scenes and an aria at an upcoming Opera Project Wing concert. But more on all that later. I'm breaking my (unintentional) posting interlude with something I haven't done in a very long time... A Gunn Interlude.

Here Nathan talks about his top 5 shirtless roles. He seems to be smeared with mud and blood alot.



Note his reversal of barihunk into hunkatone. Somehow "hunkatone" has a slightly different meaning to me than "barihunk," and it actually does seem to more accurately describe him.

And here's another topic on which Mr. Gunn and I agree: His view on Opera vs "Popera." I have had, while not quite arguments, let's call them... heated discussions, with people, on why Andrea Bocelli is not really an opera singer, nor are any of those contestants on the many singing reality shows out there who choose to squawk out an aria when it's their turn to compete. It's not that these people don't have talent. They do! But they couldn't get on stage and sing an opera, without a mic.

So yeah, speaking of getting on stage and singing, I'll be singing Voi che sapete and also doing the Cherubino cross-dressing scene in the upcoming Opera Project "Artist Development Wing" concert. Basically it's me and 15 teenagers. The youngest is I believe 13. We are all singing in the chorus for scenes from Die Fledermaus, The Mikado, Dido & Aeneas and Madam Butterfly. We have actual staging and everything. I'll report more on that... eventually.

Whirlywind

The days are just flying by!

I sang in the first Opera Project Wing performance last week. I sang two songs – Nel cor piu non mi sento and Voi che sapete. I did ok, but would you believe I actually FORGOT THE WORDS at one point? I fudged it and no one seemed to notice. People who know Voi che sapete will know where I made up a word. Hey at least the vowel was the same. And a few people actually approached me afterwards to compliment my voice and say how much they liked my performance. That was nice! I'm always so surprised when that happens. All I hear are mistakes, so I always assume that people are just being nice. But I also know they wouldn't approach me and say that just to be nice. So it's pretty cool!

The voice lesson following that recital I was lucky enough to have two teachers at once. Sometimes they talked about me like I wasn’t there. I was fine with that. I learned a lot about breath and legato line and how to really incorporate the two. Like my voice teacher says, sometimes you just need a different person to explain the concept to you a different way in order for you to get it. So I’ll see her today for a lesson, then I’ll be seeing the other teacher later in the week.

Then… on Friday. FINALLY! L’Elisir D’amore at the Met!! Juan Diego Florez. Ahhhh. And then on Sunday, another recital, where I plan to tackle Ombra mai fu. Then I'll write all about both adventures, hopefully while they're still both fresh in my mind.

The MARS 300 Song!

I finally had the house to myself the other day. I put my R2 shirt on, warmed up the pipes and then recorded myself singing this about 50 times until I got a version I wasn't too embarrassed to share. So this is how I wanted to sing it on the 7th. I've tweeted the link to the band a few times but they get so many tweets that it's unlikely that they'll see it... but I wanted to get it out there. So, without further ado, here we have, the MARS300 SONG!

Mars 300 Serenade!

Had another AMAZING 30 Seconds to Mars adventure!

Last week they celebrated the end of their 2 year world tour with a record-breaking show at an old opera house in NYC, the Hammerstein Ballroom. The moment tickets went on sale I got myself one of the “more expensive than opera” tickets to include early entry, a meet & greet with the band and a few bits and baubles of swag.

So rumor had it that they had sold about 200 of these early entry tickets.  I knew that there wouldn’t be space for 200 people on the barrier, so I got to the venue at about 1:30 pm. Did I mention it was pouring rain? It was pouring rain. And crowded with umbrellas. And while that may all sound miserable, it was actually ok. I mean, yeah, it was miserable to be standing out in the pouring rain, shivering. BUT it was great fun to be hanging out chatting with my friends and making new friends! And meeting people with whom I’ve only interacted with online. That was awesome. So anyway we are eventually let in, and then between dropping off our soaking wet stuff and so on, the line order from outside was completely lost. We lined up in a room that only vaguely resembled the order we were in outside. So when we went into the venue, the entire barrier was taken by the time I got up there. I ended up being 2nd from the barrier, which in theory is good. Here’s a picture of my view.

Here’s a video I took of the opening song.



However, once the concert started, the people on the barrier pushed back to hold their spots, while pretty much everyone else in the venue pushed forward to get closer. Like agitated molecules, the temperature rose very quickly. Now, I’m only 5 feet tall. I could see nothing except the elbows that were coming toward my face as my body was pushed simultaneously in several directions. I could barely hold the camera. I was terrified. I asked the woman in front of me to call the security guard over. He pulled me out at the end of the next song. He lifted me over the barrier like I was a feather. I went around the side and made my way to the  middle of the crowd, near the soundboard. Why the soundboard, you ask? Because during almost every 30 Seconds to Mars show, Jared does an acoustic set from there. Plus someone had tipped me off that he had done it from there the night before. So I was ready and waiting when he appeared. Here are the videos and pictures I took from there. I just love how you can hear everyone singing along.

Everyone in the back was just as into it and excited as the people up front, but it was much much SAFER back there. I had plenty of room to jump around and go nuts. I definitely had more fun back there than I would have if I had stayed up front. And the place wasn't that large... here's a pic I took from the back, of the stage:

And then you hear me, saying OHMYGOD over and over because they played this song:

So after the show we had the meet & greet. All 200 or so people jammed into this little curtained off area of a room. They had people line up all around the wall, then another row of people facing the wall people, with a path in between. We could have done a Virginia Reel dance. Then they had ANOTHER set of people facing each other, in the middle.

This time around I decided not to make bracelets for them. Instead, I would prepare a song. So I took a verse of Caro Nome (the melody that starts here) and changed the words, although the last part is sort of a real translation of the aria:

This is your 300th show
In support of This is War
The record keepers say it’s so
And you keep on playing more
Thirty Seconds to Mars
You will always have a part….. of my heart…
You will always have my heart.

The words sound hokey spoken but are fine when sung. I’ll eventually make of video of me singing it. So anyway I printed up two copies and glued them to a card. One the back of one I wrote, “Thank you for inspiring me to follow my dreams,” and the other was for them to autograph.

So Shannon got to me first. I showed him the card and told him I sing and that I … he cut me off. “Oh yeah I remember. You sang opera for me.” Uh… yeah! So I told him I have this short song, he said, sing it when we get the picture taken. Next, Jared came over. I said, “My gift for you is a song…” and he said, “Yeah, I remember, you sing opera.” ZOINKS went my brain, again. I showed him the card, which he tried to keep after he signed! I explained that Shannon has the original. Like Shannon, he said I should sing the song when we get the picture taken. A little bit later, here comes Tomo. Before I could say hello, he said, “HI OPERA SINGER!”  so inside I’m like HOLY xxxx THEY ALL REMEMBER ME and to him I said I have a song, etc. Sing it at the picture. Yep.

Eventually we lined up for the photos. Plenty of time for me to get nnneerrrvvvoouusss. The photo taking is really really quick, because they have so many to do. So you hand your stuff to one person who hands it to someone else behind the photog as you pose for the pic, then you collect your stuff from that other person and run out. Yeah anyway so I hand my stuff and they say “WAIT! Let’s hear the song!” So … I sang. I started way too low, to the point that I had to switch to chest voice for the bottom notes. And I was nervous at first, until one of my friends said SING LOUDER, which made me relax, because it made me smile. Meanwhile, Jared, Shannon and Tomo are looking at me with the most amazing expressions of wonder and delight. I looked from one to the next as I sang, right into their eyes. It was amazing. I don't think I'll ever forget how they were looking at me. Then when I was done everyone applauded and someone shouted “BRAVO!” Jared and Shannon put their arms out and Jared said in the sweetest voice, “Come ‘ere” so I trotted over to be squeezed for the photo. This photo. Where Jared is SMILING. Because I sang to him.

If you google “30 seconds to Mars meet & greet photo” you will see that he makes silly faces but he rarely smiles. He was all smiley and amazed while I was singing. I mean I could see it, they LOVED the words, I could see that it moved them. It.Was.Awesome.  Afterwards all these people were like, how did you have the nerve to sing for them? You’re so brave! And one of my friends said, “Of course they loved it! How many people serenade them?”  I hadn’t thought of it as a serenade but yeah I guess it was!

The next day I actually cried a little, walking around the streets of NYC with my friends. I couldn’t believe it… they inspire me so much, and have helped me get through some nasty experiences… and to be able to sing to them how I feel was just the most amazing experience.

That night I saw them play a small, acoustic show at a beautiful old church. There were probably more people at the meet & greet the night before than there were in the entire church.

When I stood up to leave, Shannon was on stage with the mic. I waved and he said, "Bye Opera Singer!"

Remember when I saw them in Feb and guessed that they'd remember me?

I was right.

Remember when I said I loved my life?

I still do.

From Singer to Winger

Well, it was good while it lasted. The peeps in charge of the Opera Project have changed the focus of the group, to a more professional type of group, featuring people who have or are on their way to a career in opera. Makes sense - this way they can get more donations, more patrons, etc. I’ve known all along that I’m not in that league. The good news is, they’re creating a “wing” program for people like me – people with a halfway decent voice who want experience performing. They’re planning on holding 1 or 2 concerts a year. So eventually I will get to perform again… just not any time soon. It is sort of a kick in the gut when I get the press release emails about upcoming concerts … but I know it’s not a personal kick. To add a twist of irony to all this… Due to a miscommunication, I wasn’t informed that I wouldn’t be performing in the September concert, so I showed up for the rehearsal. Awkward… yeah. So anyway I got there at 2. A photographer from a local newspaper was there to take a picture to accompany the print version of this article. The people who actually were performing, including the accompanist, hadn’t arrived yet. The photographer had to leave, so I ended up singing while one of the founders/teachers sort of accompanied me. I say sort of, because I’m singing a different version of Nel Cor than the one in the Italian Aria book, but he knew the one from the book, so that’s the one he played. I plugged along singing the version I know while the photographer snapped away. Luckily you can’t hear in a photograph. So…I got my picture in the paper as a singer for the Opera Project…







...when actually I’ve been moved (let’s not say “lowered” ok?) to the Wing program. Story of my life. From Singer to Winger. My teacher told me of some other local, amateur performance groups in the area so I might check them out. The more confident I get, the more likely the chance that I’ll eventually maybe be back on the regular roster.

Channeling Eliza Bennett

"My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me..."

So says Elizabeth Bennett, in Jane Austen's famous book Pride and Prejudice. And so I must have been channeling Elizabeth Bennett yesterday at my voice lesson.

Let me clarify. I was in no way and have never ever felt intimidated by or because of a voice lesson. However, as usual, my own gremliny brain was playing tricks on me.

The Opera Project's next concert is at the end of September. Last week the director sent the email out asking if we're interested, what we'd like to sing, and when and where the rehearsals are. I replied immediately because of course I am always interested. Then a few days later the official press release came out about the event, and my name wasn't listed. Now, this has happened before, and a text message and email straightened out the mix-up. So I inquired if I was on the roster since my name wasn't listed, and I was told that they didn't know yet. So of course those gremlins took the opportunity to slip into the crack that opened in my confidence. Remember them?

Then at my voice lesson I learned that they were thinking of having the less experienced singers perform in daytime performances until they felt confident enough to sing alongside some of the really experienced, wildly-talented singers that always steal the show in the evening performances... that it can be intimidating to have to sing before/after some of them. The singers themselves are the sweetest, most loving and giving people ever - they do not contribute personally in any way, shape or form to any of this intimidation. It's all internal. I've posted about this only about a thousand times before... So anyway I also learned that they haven't totally decided who'll be singing at the upcoming concert, and that it's at a new venue so they want to impress the people so they'll invite us back. Makes sense to me. So I got to thinking, I can't go and sabotage myself by letting those "I'm not good enough" gremlins get back in my head. So I let loose and let go. After each song my teacher said that it was the best she'd ever heard me sing, and maybe a little adversity was what I needed to get it all out. Y'see, for a lot of my life I have been not quite good enough. I've gotten small parts in the high school plays, but never a lead. I auditioned for the special chorus, was made an alternate but ended up performing with them at all but 1 performance. I auditioned for the town's competitive baton twirling team in the 7th grade, was made an alternate and put onto a "junior" squad for a year. It's the story of my performing life. Almost good enough, but not quite. And each episode left me with that feeling of, "I know I can do better!" So when I heard about this potential afternoon "squad" my courage rose and I showed my teacher what I can really do. So here's hoping that I can show the director the same thing at the rehearsal, which in a way is I guess like another audition. However, I refuse to think of it as an audition because that imbues it with pressure that shouldn't exist. I'm already in the group. It's time for me to show them what I can really do. I will, of course, report back.

Just the Facts, Ma'am

The Opera Project has a concert on Saturday, May 7 at 2, to celebrate some important birthdays in the company. Last week I noticed on the website that my name wasn't listed as one of the singers, although my teacher and I had discussed me singing there and I was preparing Ombra mai fu. So my first thought was, I guess they don't want me singing there after all. Then I gave myself a mental slap and thought, They may not know that you're interested. Because even though my teacher is one of the founders and all that, it's someone else who sets the programs for the concerts. So I sent him a text asking if there was room for me in the program because I'd like to sing, and he said yes. Like, pretty much immediately. Which was nice. I mean, if he didn't want me singing he could have said that there was no room, right? Of course the rehearsal was the same day as the 30 Seconds to Mars concert in Camden, which made me really nervous about the timing since I was getting picked up at my house at 2, and the rehearsal started at 1 about 30 minutes north of where I live. I did end up getting to sing first, and was done pretty quickly, but I didn't do as well as I hoped. And I know it's just a rehearsal, but it's daunting… I was actually shaking. Because the truth is I'm still intimidated by the talent of all the other singers, and I still marvel at how very fortunate I am that I sing with this group. And I was a little embarrassed singing because they are all so good. I know it's silly, and I know that they wouldn't let me sing with the group at all if I wasn't good enough, but that doesn't stop that little nagging voice that tells me I'm not good enough. So anyway I got home in time and the concert was great (another post for that!) but then the next day I got a voicemail message… and before I write about that I must say they are the nicest people ever, and that no matter how this may come across in print here on the blog, this was relayed to me in the nicest, gentlest and most friendly way. They said that they think I'm not quite ready to sing Ombra mai fu, that it's a bit too sophisticated for me. But I can sing Se tu m'ami again, and then maybe think about Ombra mai fu for the following concert on June 11. So of course THAT got me wondering just how bad I really sounded at that rehearsal...although they did still suggest that I sing... Also there's a birthday party after Saturday's concert, and I can sing it there. Truthfully, I'm not upset about not being able to sing Ombra mai fu at the concert. I'm still thrilled that I have the opportunity to sing again, and I'll get more practice doing the same song in front of an audience and so on. But the embarrassment… oy. I'm embarrassed that those ten people sat there in that little church chapel listening to me sing… and then decided that no, I shouldn't sing that song. I mean it's a GOOD thing. Better to be embarrassed there, in a safe place, than in front of a paying audience. But still… I don't even want to tell anyone about this. Even though it's not such a big deal. It's taking up a large amount of space in my head right now, space that should be filled with happy thoughts, not embarrassed thoughts. I'm hoping that by blogging it, it'll leave and I'll be able to move back to the happy high I was experiencing after the 30 Seconds to Mars concert… which I'll post about shortly.

So, to sum up: For a while I was feeling kind of dejected and embarrassed, but I'm back to grateful. I am so grateful for this opportunity to sing. At what point will I ever feel like I fit in?

Rainy Day Crack

My previous voice teacher told me that no matter how much you practice and prepare, if something goes "wrong" in a performance it's never the thing you expect it to be. That info came to mind the other day after performing "Se tu m'ami" at the Opera Project concert this past weekend.

I'm not usually a pessimistic type of person, but looking back at the evening…

• It was pouring rain. POURING.
• When I got in the car I noticed a bunch of CDs had slipped through the passenger seat cushions to the floor below Alex's seat, where they appear to had been stepped on. I scooped them up and put them in a little tote bag I found laying there.
• When I got to the green room (really a preschool classroom in a building adjacent to the church where the performances take place) there was NO ONE THERE. In reality that's a good thing, because I did some warm-ups, tried to tame my hair, etc. But I was a little concerned… WHERE THE HELL WAS EVERYONE? DID I HAVE THE WRONG DAY? Turns out that because of the rain, everyone else went straight to the church.
• Because of the rain, there were more singers than audience members. We sat in the audience when we weren't singing, to make it look fuller.
• Before I performed I went into the "backstage" office to change into my shoes. Things are piled up there, hoarding-style. I knocked into a precariously balanced tray and sent a box of stationery tumbling out and all over the place.
• My shoes felt strange… because I had put them on the wrong feet. Corrected that immediately.
• My panty hose kept rolling down every time I stood up. No one could see but I could feel it.
• I realized I never had agreed on a signal with the accompanist to begin. He started as soon as I got on stage. I was hoping for a moment to take a deep breath and center myself. Did so during the musical introduction.
• I didn't sing it as well as I know I can. I lost the air pressure, gulped on a word and then actually had a huge crack near the end.
• I bowed and smiled but felt like crying. I disappointed myself and felt like I let my teacher down, although she didn't feel that way at all.
• When I opened the passenger side car door to put my bag in, the little tote bag of CDs fell out and most of the CDs slid under the car. Did I mention it was pitch black and soaking wet out?

Apparently everyone else thought I did great. I guess I do hear the mistakes and the potential for improvement more than anyone else does.

Judge for yourself:

I'm not trying to be an overly-dramatic drama-llama here. It's just that, I know the potential sound I can produce, so I'm disappointed when I don't. Consistency, that's what I want.

On the plus side, during the performance of one of the singers after me, the pianist was missing a page of the music, and it took them a few tries to figure out just what the heck was going on. Plus he sang beautifully, and there was a huge thunderclap during a dramatic pause. So it's all good. My crack? Forgotten. By all but me.

Hearing is Believing

I still can't believe I sang at the meet and greet. I know this sappy happy feeling will fade, but I'm reveling in it now. I mean, WOW. Jared snapped his head around at the sound of my voice. A voice that he has, in part, inspired me to achieve. The whole band has, really, but you know. I was pretending that he had to be able to hear me up in that cupola in the painting! I lapsed into that trance and forgot that he was actually in the room. How ridiculous is that?! It was, as one friend pointed out to me, both thrilling and slightly horrific at the same time. But mostly thrilling! And somehow, through it all, I managed to maintain bladder control. Actually, peeing in my pants wasn't really a concern of mine. Forgetting how to talk coherently, yeah. But that's pretty much always a concern...

But yeah. Shannon fawned over me and my voice. Tomo and I talked about proper breathing. Jared... he heard me sing. And complimented my voice. I didn't even think to tell him that he has inspired me. I was just... gahhh.

My voice teacher was thrilled when I told her all about it. She said that it really took cojones to do that, and she's not surprised that I did, because I have them! She pointed out to me how validating is it to be able to sing on command and to "wow" people like that. And that often people are in awe of opera singers because opera seems so difficult and inaccessible. Was Shannon star struck? Maybe a little! Plus he was definitely impressed that I had the cojones to do it. The truth is, I felt a little uncomfortable by the attention. People were there to see them, not to hear me. She told me to get used to it. Yikes!!

I've found that people I know are impressed that I can sing an entire "song" in another language. But I don't just stand up and perform - I practice and study and learn the words and the notes and how to sing them and I practice singing them in front of people and so on. It may appear effortless in the end, which is the goal, but it's only all the prep work that makes it seem so.

And now, life resumes as before. Must must must call the vocal coach. Must must must mentally prep for my next adventure, which is seeing Nathan Gunn perform next month. And then Juan Diego Florez, Diana Damrau and Joyce DiDonato the following month. And finally, I must plan for my next adventure on Mars!

Mars Fan Tutte!

Wow wow wow wow!!! Saw 30 Seconds to Mars last night. AMAZING ADVENTURE!!!! We had the more-than-I've-ever-paid-for-an-opera-ticket tickets which gave us early entry to the venue and a meet and greet with the band after.

We were told to get there at 5. We got there at about 4:45 and had to stand out in the freezing rain until they checked us in, 1 at a time. We were all like, Ok wait we paid from $250-$450 per ticket (depending upon the VIP level) and we can't wait INSIDE while you do this? But the chick in charge (who was really very nice) said that they allowed only 5 people in at a time. Some people were there in just t-shirts. It was brrrrr coooollllldddd but we survived. Then we got wristbands and went to wait in a little lobby area. After a while they let us into the venue and we went straight to the barrier where we planted ourselves for the evening. I was directly in front of the guitarist. I actually sent him a direct message on Twitter to tell him I was there and I'd wave my long braid at him. I did, and he gave me the thumbs up, although I learned later at the meet & greet that he didn't see the message until AFTER the performance! So I was just another lunatic doing weird stuff until then. Well I still might be, but anyway... The concert was great. I LOVED being on the barrier. I made friends with security. When Jared had people move up, I braced myself and held on. There was a cool breeze, I could breathe, I could hang on. I wasn't moving from my spot, no way, no how. Here are some photos of my view of the stage:

Yeah. We were that close.

The concert was awesome. The people around us were all totally into it and going nuts. I heard later that the back of the crowd was kind of tame, but we had no idea. As Jared says, the front is for the people who want to go crazy, and we were going crazy. It was like an out-of-body experience.

After the show we waited in the pit area for the meet and greet. The rules were, no cameras, no hugs, no asking for hugs. Can only imagine what has happened in the past to prompt that one. They had us line up in this long line, then the band members came out and went down the line, chatting and signing things. I had made opera-mars bracelets for them.

Now, I know that most of my readers will know what these bracelets are about, but for the non-opera folk, here's your explanation.

"ZauberTomo" is taken from Mozart's Die Zauberflote, the Magic Flute. So we have, Magic Tomo!

Shannonini - Man that was a hard one to come up with. I already gave him (via a friend from Austria who saw them in Switzerland, ain't the internet grand??) a bracelet that says "Don Shannovanni," and seriously, how could I top that? So I looked through one of the opera books I have and finally came up with Shannonini, inspired by Rossini, Bellini and so on.

And finally, my favorite, for Jared. "Mars Fan Tutte," from Mozart's Cosi fan tutte. You know. "All girls are like that" or "All the girls do that." In the context of the opera, it's basically that all girls cheat on their boyfriends. But in THIS context, it's "all girls do (meaning, are into) Mars" OR, using the "fan" as the English word fan, all Mars fans... are girls!! Which I know is not true. So no need to get all up in arms. There are plenty of male fans. But most of the audience seems to be female. So how amazing is that pun?? Huh?? I was so excited when I came up with it, because I'm such a dork. But there you go.

So here comes the absolutely amazing and crazy part of this adventure.

I was excited but not nervous or star struck about the meet and greet. I got over that after my idiotic star-struck meeting with Nathan Gunn back in 2008. So the guys are coming down the line. Shannon is first. He's the drummer. I introduced myself, we fist-bumped hello (is that the germ-free handshake?) and I told him I sing opera, mentioned the Don Shannovanni bracelet (he had no idea what I was talking about, no surprise there) and gave him Shannonini. He was like a little kid. "You sing opera? REALLY? Sing something!" I joked with him, "Wait a sec. I think I'm the one who paid to see YOU perform..." and he kept saying, "No, really! Sing something!" so I said ok. He stepped back to the middle of the room, told the band video guy to film and said, "Hey Jared! Jared! listen..." Inside I was like, "Holy cr@p, this isn't happening" and outside I looked at the camera, took a deep breath and lapsed into "performance mode," which, as you all know, generally means imaging the Cupola Man in the cupola of the church in that painting in my voice teacher's house. Cupola Man... oh wait a sec. That's Jared. One of the people who inspires me to sing my best. He was there. Cupola man was there. IN THE ROOM. I sang the first few measures of Ombra mai fu before the "cupola man is in the house" realization hit me like a ton of bricks and I got nervous. But I have to say, I'm pretty damn proud of myself. I had my voice on the air and when I hit those upper notes it RANG through the venue, clear as a bell. I could hear everyone sort of get quiet when I started, but when I went up and got loud, the place went SILENT. My friends said that Jared glanced over when I started, but his head WHIPPED around when my voice rang out. Luckily for me I didn't see that. So I sang a few measures, then stopped when the brain-bricks hit me and asked Shannon if that was enough. He was like, "You have an amazing voice!" and I said, "I can't believe I just sang in front of everyone, look, now I'm shaking." We chatted a bit more, he signed the back of my t-shirt and moved on. Next came Jared. Fist-bump hello. I'm like, "So obviously you know that I sing opera... I made you this bracelet, it's a pun, I won't tell you what it means..." and he said something about google... which now as I read that I hope didn't come out rude! I was still all off-kilter from singing. I mean, I can't friggin' believe that I did that. I wasn't star struck. I was post I-can't-believe-I-just-sang-for-people-on-the-spur-of-the-moment traumatized. He told me to take care of my voice, he signed my shirt and moved on. Then Tomo came, saw my mass of hair and said, "OH!! Now I get it. I didn't see your tweet until after the show." It was pretty funny. Gave him his opera bracelet, we chatted, he signed my shirt and moved on. After they finished the chat-n-sign it was time for photos. When it was my turn I said to Shannon, "You're not gonna make me sing again, are you?" and he said he was impressed, he didn't think I'd actually do it. Yeah, I don't believe I did it either. Then they took the photo and that was it.

My friends and I all went to a diner where it slowly sunk in that Shannon asked me to sing... and I did. And I did a halfway decent job. I imagine they'll remember me...

I love my life.

Opera Project Party TONIGHT!

Hasn't really sunk in that I'm singing tonight. Had a voice lesson on Wednesday and a vocal coaching on Thursday. On Thursday morning I got a message from the main guy saying that some people are sick, we might have to add stuff, can I please bring the music for what I did LAST time too... the Mozart piece... Yikes! So instead of going straight to my vocal coaching from work, I ran home and basically tore my house apart looking for the sheet music for Batti Batti. Sang it a few times with the coach. I have no idea if I'll have to sing it tonight but at least now I'm prepared. It was fun to sing in a way because I've learned so much since I last sang it. My vocal technique has improved, my singing has improved so so much. And since there's no time to go over the song with my voice teacher, I'm really concentrating on incorporating everything I've learned into singing the piece, basically overcoming old "bad" habits so I can bring the song up to where I currently am, vocally. The coach said that it happens all the time as people progress. The revisit something they sang a while back and have to relearn how to sing the piece with their "updated" voice.

Then next week is a talent showcase at work. No one is able to accompany me so I'm doing "If Music be the Food of Love," the soprano version, with the CD accompaniment that came with the music book. It's so fast, it's like running a race, but that's ok. I went over it with the coach and will probably see my voice teacher the day before that performance.

That evening my voice... vanished. GULP. I was totally hoarse, sore throat, runny nose. NOOOO!! Woke up yesterday unable to sing. Tried humming and lip trills... nope. I wasn't hearing the notes I was trying to make. I spent most of yesterday whispering or talking very quietly when I had to talk at all and drinking tea. This morning I woke up and my voice is back!! Whew!!

Of course nothing has really changed as far as my parents are concerned... Today I told my dad I was singing in a recital tonight and he said, "Oh that's nice. A solo???" and I said yes and he said, "Really? You're GOOD enough?"
Pause. "Apparently."
"Wow. You'll have to sing for me the next time you come visit."
Yeah, ok. Sure... I'd love to sing for you so you can cut me off and ask why I'm not singing in English, and then make fun of me. Can't wait...

But on to better things - TONIGHT! I'm really excited! I'll try to get someone to record it.

Down the Stairs in Heels

I know, I know, I owe you a long overdue post about the Opera Project recital. I'm sorry! Things have been hectic!! I'll explain that too.

So the recital... Got there about an hour early. The venue was the atrium of a store/mall sort of place. It was open, with a wide stairway on the side leading up to a balcony-ish sort of area. Behind that was a glassed-in room. That room was the green room. There were cookies!!! Shaped like martini glasses! Yum! Of course no one ate until AFTER they sang!

So they way they set it up was, the singer on deck would wait on the landing of the stairs, then when the previous singer was walking toward the stairs, the next singer would come down and they'd pass each other on the floor near the bottom of the stairs. It's like the act of walking out on stage isn't nerve-wracking enough... they had to add the negotiation of a long flight of stairs... which of course the women had to do in heels. So dumb as it sounds, I actually walked up and down those steps a few times, to practice. I think having that to focus on took away my nervousness.

I was in the 2nd half of the recital. It was fun! I had no problem on the steps at all. I was a little nervous just to start and you can hear that in the opening note, and I cracked (OUCH!) at one point on a lower note, but corrected it pretty quickly. I still hear all the spots where I need to improve, but I thought I sounded pretty good, for me!! I can't believe how much better I've gotten since changing teachers. It's amazing. I'm like a whole new singer. And it's not like the other teacher didn't teach me how to sing - she taught me quite a lot, but I guess I just needed to hear the same stuff told to me in a different way and POW all of a sudden I can get my voice on top of the air, control the breath more and so on. Of course that also makes me realize how much more I have to learn, but that's ok. It's exciting to know that this singing journey will last for the rest of my life. But I was relaxed, I remembered to open wider for the higher notes, use my breath and so on. Still need tons of practice getting it all together of course. But as you can see from my smile at the end of the song, I wasn't unhappy!

After the recital we hung around eating cheese and cookies. I had so much fun the entire night, really, hanging out with the other singers as we all cheered each other on. The next recital that I hope to participate in is in mid-November.

Recital Video!

This is the best I've ever sung in front of people, but of course all I hear are the mistakes. First of all, my face looks pinched as if there's something uncomfortable jammed up my butt. There wasn't. Then, I cracked. I didn't open wide enough. I started out poorly. Otherwise, I guess it's ok. Click thru to YouTube if the blog format cuts off the window. I'll write more about the evening another time, but I wanted to get the video up.

Being Brave!

Opera Project recital!! I sing tomorrow! In front of people!! And... I think I'm ready!! I'm excited and nervous at the same time. It's different this time because this is the first time I'm singing since I switched to this voice teacher. It's like a first performance. Especially since I've changed, I've improved so much since I switched. It's like I'm a new singer.

Things have been crazy. I had that one demerol-hazed rehearsal, then I saw my 87 year old vocal coach, whom I adore, she's so much fun and has so many great stories, plus she's an amazing piano player and has given me such wonderful advice about performing, then I had another regular rehearsal where I did much better. After THAT rehearsal one of the guys gave me an impromptu lesson. He said he really likes my voice - he thinks it'd be good for medieval music because I can sing the higher notes straight without going flat, and a lot of the older music was written for that type of singing. Singing them straight means I can do them without vibrato. I hadn't been thinking of that as an asset. I've been trying to figure out how to consistently maintain vibrato on the higher notes. Who knew it was a skill to hit them on pitch without vibrato?

Then I had a lesson yesterday. My teacher had a couple of visitors so after warming up they came in to listen to me sing Lascia ch'io pianga. They responded positively, said that my voice sounded very clear and pure. That's nice! In the middle before the higher notes she called out to be brave... so I did... and out came these gorgeous notes! It was all I could do not to giggle, but I forced myself through it and kept on going. Be brave... such simple words... and I listened and obeyed and dropped my jaw and supported my breath and OUT came the notes! I was reminded of that vocal eval from a few years ago where one teacher wrote, "Courage!" Maybe that's what she meant. Courage to trust myself.

My teacher and I talked about maybe coming up with a program of madrigal-type songs for me, in English, Italian and Latin. She pointed out how nice the music would be with a harp or harpsichord, and I joked that with a harpist I could then sing at wedding ceremonies. And then suddenly we were like, why not? Why not have a goal? I'm not sure at the moment exactly how to get from here to there, but the first step is to learn the appropriate music. The time will pass whether or not I work towards a goal. So who knows, it may never happen, but then again, maybe it will. As 30 Seconds to Mars says, Provehito in Altum - Reach for the Heights, or, Launch Forth into the Deep! Either way, I'm reaching/launching for it. With courage! I will, of course, report in again after the recital!! Hopefully with video!!!

ps must apologize if the font is all wonky. I wrote much of this entry from work in an email to myself and I can't get the formatting to change to the regular font.