Friday, May 8, 2009

Feeling Blueish

I've been sort of bleh and blah all day. Trying to figure out why. I realized it's a combination of things - more Real Life things than opera-keeping-me-awake things. I mean, yeah, I'm disappointed about not supering this summer, but I'll get over it. More of it has to do with Alex and some of the challenges he has because of his sensory processing disorder and PDD-NOS. He goes to a great program provided by our local school district. He is the sweetest and smartest kid (scored in the 90-99%tile in all areas of cognitive development, has perfect pitch and so on) but his behavioral issues are very challenging. He likes things to be exactly the way he wants them to be (who doesn't?) but he doesn't react appropriately when he doesn't get what he wants. Last fall, before he was diagnosed, he was kicked out of preschool because of his impulsive behavior. I dreaded picking him up each day knowing I'd get a report of all the "bad" things he'd done. Each day brings new challenges as we try to rewire him into a regular kid. He's so very smart and eager to learn, but the behavioral and sensory stuff gets in the way of success in school. Socially too - last year, around the same time he was kicked out of preschool, the mother of a friend of his called the day before her son's birthday party to say that Alex couldn't come because she didn't know how he'd be in the unstructured environment of a child's party. (He'd have been fine. She didn't have all the facts.) His response was, "But they INVITED us!" More recently, we were at a birthday party where they had one of those inflatable bouncing house obstacle courses set up in a gymnasium. The fan for the bouncy house was so loud and echoing that he couldn't bear to be in the room. He very much wanted to play in the bouncy house but just couldn't. He has trouble climbing on playground equipment he's never seen before. He has poor fine-motor skills and poor muscle-tone in his upper torso. So all these challenges and let-downs have been going on for a while, and my heart breaks for him every time. So now you can see why I retreat into my fantasy opera life, why I'm silly with my stupid crushes, why I like to perform... it's all an escape. And I guess right now with the supering thing not happening, a chunk of my escape has vanished. So now you know that as you read my blog, all the silliness is my way of escaping. I don't actually want anything from the people I write about. I don't even want to know them. I'm not some freakish fan. I'm just your average mildly depressed 42 year old woman looking for a safe escape.

Sorry for the digression into non-opera topic. Ok, pathetic whining over. We now return to your regularly scheduled silly.


Lindsey said...

Aww Susan! Don't worry, we all feel your pain. Everyone in their own way does exactly what you do. The internet in of itself is a form of escapism. I know I use it more than occasionally for that. And take comfort in the fact that opera is made to be an avenue for escapism. And really, there's nothing wrong with it. A little technicolor to mix in along with all the black, white, and gray of normal life is nothing to be worried about. By giving yourself that bit of joy you better enable yourself to pass it along to other people, which you definitely do through this blog!

I'd give you a hug, but since we're a few (thousand) miles apart, it'll have to be a virtual one. *hugs* You and your family will be in my prayers!

Susan said...

Thanks Linds. I wasn't posting to get sympathy - I just wanted to figure out why I was feeling so blah and I realized that as much as I know it's not a big deal about not getting into Abduction, I was looking forward to the idea. And then I decided to share it here on the blog. Thanks!!!

Anonymous said...

This is sadly beautiful, Susan. Really.
Remember when you told me that "things work out somehow, just not the way you expect them to?"
Keep your chin up! You said it yourself: he's a smart kid, and he's got really bright parents. There's nothing stopping you guys from climbing over this thing.
I'll be thinking of you all.

Susan said...

Thanks J. I know it will. He's doing so much better. It's the day-to-day stuff that can be very wearing. I suppose that's to be expected as a parent! It's not as horrible as it sounds - it just sometimes overwhelms me. I know he'll be fine. Thanks!!!