Gremlins! Buh-Bye

I read the following post out loud to my teacher, before publishing it here:

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Gremlins. Ah those sneaky little things. They get in and sabotage things. Only, they are ... me.

I sang in a recital on Saturday. And as usual, I did not perform as well as I wanted. Why? I kept asking myself. What was different on that day? And slowly I came to realize that I had sabotaged myself. It started with my general feeling of, “Everyone else is so good... why do they let me sing here.” The little gremlin on my shoulder poked me in the side of the neck and taunted in a deep gravelly voice, “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!”

Then the rehearsal, where I sang Ombra mai fu, and the call the next day. “NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” taunted the gremlin. And not being listed on the program in the first place. “SEE!” croaked the goblin. “NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” My rational side whispered, “But they do let me sing. I’m still singing. I AM good enough.” “NO YOU’RE NOT!” snapped the gremlin as he poked me in the neck.

During the week I saw my vocal coach. Corrected some rhythmic and phonetic problems. I sounded pretty good. I recorded it and practiced with it.

Then, the day of the recital. Packed house full of “important” people, ie, potential donors. One singer after another gets up and knocks ‘em dead with a fabulous performance. Then that damn gremlin showed up. “WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” poke poke poke. As I waited for my turn, I kept telling myself that that shaky feeling wasn’t fear, it was adrenaline. Well. That damn gremlin managed to knock down my self-esteem and I walked out onto stage nervous. “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! NOT GOOD ENOUGH! YOU’RE GOING TO CRACK! YOU’LL SEE!” I did my best at the time, but it definitely wasn’t my best. It was acceptable. And I didn’t crack because I safely went under the “flip” for the low notes, rather than trying to keep the air on top. I smiled and all, but I was miserable. Then afterwards, the comments from people... oy vey. How we choose to interpret things.

“You sounded a little nervous when you started... but you got better...”

“You’ve come a long way. And you LOOKED adorable.”

And my favorite, the condescending & sympathetic, “Was this your first time singing with the Opera Project?”

So I have a new goal. That pokey gremlin has been warned: Gremlins who poke will lose their fingers. (thanks to a twitter friend for that gem!) That gremlin has no role in my life. I have sent him floating off in a helium balloon. I know what I can do and how to do it.

I also have been able to look at this not as “yet another humiliation because YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH,” into, you’re ok, you can do better, every performance is a learning experience. I did watch the video and realize I wasn’t as bad as I thought. It was an acceptable performance. But I don’t want to deliver acceptable. I want to deliver, spectacular. I’m hoping to be able to sing Ombra mai fu at the next recital. No more of this “You’re not good enough,” no more poking. I’m going to get out there and show ‘em what I can do. Because you know what? I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!!

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My teacher assured me that yes, I am indeed good enough. She thinks I have the potential to be really really great. I can produce some really beautiful sounds when warming up with scales and so on. All I need to do is consistently apply that to singing arias. I just have to practice staying on top of the air at all times. She also talked about comparing myself to others - which as even I know, is a no-no. I mean, I know how I'd respond to someone who read that gremlin essay to me.

So the next recital is June 11. She doesn't think I'll be ready for Ombra mai fu so we'll figure out what else I can sing. I'm sure we'll come up with something.

So anyway, this is what I wore for the recital:

And this is how I dressed when I got home that evening, to comfort myself in my gremlin-induced pity-party:

And yes, they are footie pajamas and the skulls do glow in the dark. Thank you, Target boys' department.

More Therapy

Had a great voice lesson tonight!!! In all the tumult I forgot that lessons themselves are therapy, not only because you have to let it all out in order to give yourself over the music, but also because I generally focus on the lesson the entire time, giving my brain a rest from all the other things that are rolling around in it - usually a list of things I need to get done, places I need to be to get the things done and general "stuff of the day" - so it's refreshing to have a 45 minute time slot devoted to nothing but my lesson.

My vocal evaluation is next week, on Wednesday. I'm not as nervous about it as I was last year, which of course makes sense. Today we went over the two songs I'll be doing for the eval. I record my lessons and also write notes to myself (words, not musical note notes!!) of things to remember, checks on the music for when to breath, how to pronounce things, remember vertical space and so on. I practiced during the week and listened to the tape alot. My teacher was very happy with my progress. I've fixed a few errors and will work on the others by Wednesday. She also coached me on how to be - walk in, say hello, nod to the accompanist, fix on an imaginary person sort of above and behind everyone and sing to that person. I can do that. I did it during the lesson.

So the Tipsy Waltz went pretty well. She keeps sort of reigning me in, movement-wise. "Less is more." Movement, for me, can hinder my technique. So that's one of the things I'll be working on - subtle subtle movements. Then we did If Music Be the Food of Love. Again, problems connecting. Then all on my own I went and sat back against the wall, then slid up just a little so my back was still flat but I was sort of casually leaning on it. I was relaxed, my shoulders were relaxed. I got this dreamy feeling inside and just sang to that imaginary person. I had to come back to myself when the song ended. I was the person singing that song and believing it. I was singing it to an imaginary someone. When it ended I was still there for a moment. I love that. My teacher picked up on it without me saying anything - she said she could tell that I gave myself over to the music. So just like anything else, learning to relax into it makes just a huge difference. Practice, practice, practice. I know I can do it - I've done it before.

At the end of the lesson, I felt so much better about myself and all the crap I whine about. I hope it lasts.

Out of Sorts

Voice lesson was canceled today because my teacher had something she needed to do tonight. I really do rely on my lessons for the psychological release I get, first because I tell her all the crap (and the joys!) of the past week, and then because singing just does that. Plus focusing on singing, losing myself in it, is therapeutic. It's a chunk of time that I'm not thinking about anything else, and it's quite refreshing.

So instead I went out for dinner with a good friend. We haven't seen each other without one or both of our kids tagging along in a very long time. It was great! She wanted to see recent Alex pics so I handed her the iPhone. She was scrolling through the photos when she came upon this one. She almost dropped the phone. Then she said in a serious tone, "Will you please email this to me?"
Of course I then invited her to accompany me on my Baltimore adventure this Sunday. She can't make it but I have a feeling she would if she could.

There is one problem looming for Sunday. Here, I'll paste it directly from the National Weather Service.:


Sunday: Snow and sleet likely. Cloudy, with a high near 37. Chance of precipitation is 70%. New precipitation amounts of less than a tenth of an inch possible.

Sunday Night: A chance of snow showers. Cloudy, with a low around 25. Chance of precipitation is 50%.

Yeah. Not sure what that means for the road conditions. Of course, that's local. Let's check Baltimore:

Sunday: A chance of rain and snow. Mostly cloudy, with a high near 42. Chance of precipitation is 50%. New precipitation amounts of less than a tenth of an inch possible.

Sunday Night: A chance of snow. Mostly cloudy, with a low around 26. Chance of precipitation is 30%.

Ok, that's not so bad.

Guess I'll wear my galoshes, just in case.

Pre-Debate Post

Squeezing a post in before the VP Candidate Debate Drinking Game starts.

Had my voice lesson tonight. I thought it went pretty well. I mean, yeah, I can always sing better at home or in the car - isn't that always the case? But I kept thinking about the sound I want to produce, and inspired by a soprano who I've mentioned here in the blog only a thousand times or so since the summer, I was able to relax and produce the sound from deep down, using my lower abs until they were shaking. Gotta fix that ASAP. Of course I can only dream that I'd ever sound like her, but that's not really what I'm trying to do. I want to sound like me, and I want to like the sound I produce. We worked on Ouvre ton coeur again. This time my teacher happened to have a recorded accompaniment, only the mezzo version, a step lower. I know the tune so that was no big deal, except for a couple of notes that were kind of surprisingly low. And it's so fast!! It has to be because some of the notes are held for a long time. I'd pass out if I tried to sing it slowly, seriously! I borrowed that CD because, yes, I bought the Standard Vocal Literature - Soprano book, and it happens to come with a computer program that can speed up and slow down music tracks. I should be able to bring it up a step, save that version and burn it to CD. Hopefully that won't make it run faster - Don't know if I can sprint through the song. There has to be a happy medium. Will tackle that project later.

I'm still frustrated with my inability to make certain transitions without blurting them out, but my legato has improved thanks to my vowels-only week of practice. I'm still working on coordinating my abs, mouth and throat to work together the way I want/need them to in order to produce the sound I want. It's hard! It's like stumbling over roots on a path... you're walking along almost gracefully and then OOPS you almost trip and you look like a clown for a couple of seconds. That's how I feel when I have trouble with certain parts and the notes sort of blurt out, out of my control. Then the next time I get timid and close down on them.

It's all within my control. Practice, practice, practice.

See, this is why voice lessons are like psychotherapy sessions.

And speaking of psychotherapy, in a moment of insane fantasy, I did look up a few airfares to Chicago... If I had found anything under, say, $150 round trip, I probably would have done it. I think we're all lucky I didn't. Except for me!! I'm not lucky I didn't!!! AAAAAHHHH.

Oops, sorry. Momentary outburst, it'll pass.

In and Out of My Tessitura

Voice lesson yesterday. My teacher used the word tessitura. Love that. Working on Ouvre ton coeur. For anyone whose not familiar with the piece, here's a clip of Beverly Sills singing it. I actually meant to link to this one, which I think I like better than the Sills clip, because it sounds more, I don't know, realistic. Like, I listen to it and think, I can sing this. I don't think that when I hear B.S. sing it. Ohh found another with the lyrics...



So anyway... my tessitura... It's those darn middle notes. I can do the lower ones, I can do the higher ones, but those middle ones... not in my neighborhood. At least not that day, not those notes. Have to work on getting those middle notes into the range so there are no gaps, no discomfort, no lack of confidence. My teacher pointed out that that's one of the reasons the evaluators recommended this particular song - to help me learn just that. Of course, I've been practicing all summer in controlling my breath for the higher notes. I need to use more breath to hit the high ones (got to a D flat in my lesson!!) but then I feel like I'm forcing it all out, sort of blurting out the note without any control. It's frustrating. I know I just have to practice the breath control. I remind myself (and my teacher keeps reminding me) how far I've come - a year ago I never dreamed I could sing this high and forget about vibrato. But now it's like, I've had a taste of my potential and I want to gobble it up. I have to slow down. I know that if I keep practicing, I will get better at relaxing my throat. I'll get better at using my diaphragm only to push out air. My breath control will improve so that I can hit the high notes with control - loudly or softly whenever I want. It's like I'm slowly changing from a harpsichord to a pianoforte.

So it looks like the psychological benefits of the voice lessons have returned! What a relief.

The Results Are In

...but I don't have them yet. Voice lesson tonight. I missed last week because Husband was away and I had no childcare. So Tonight I will hear the Results of the Voice Evaluation. I'm looking forward to it and also dreading it. I'm sure my Teacher will have her analyst couch out for me tonight. Tonight is also the last lesson before the studio class thing next week.

Now if I could only keep my eyes open. *yawn*

Some More (teenaged)Thoughts

Enough already! Get on with your life and stop daydreaming!

Ok but I just want to say once more that he (who?) was so very nice. Almost shy. I mean at first he wasn't, but then when I was all smiley and trying not to giggle he kind of got the same way, it was cute, very charming really. And sort of slightly dorky. But then again, aren't all guys once you start to talk to them?

But that intense eye contact and those smiles verging on giggles... it reminded me of this guy I met on New Years Eve, 1991 maybe? Um... Joel was his name. I went with a friend to a dinner party at Joel's sister's house and he was there. Our eyes met and we had this instant connection. We spent the entire evening stealing glances and doing that smiling-trying-not-to-giggle thing, all the while making normal dinner-party small talk. We'd pass food dishes, our hands would touch and it was like electricity. Seriously. He had the most amazing blue eyes. We all went to a party later at his house where he lived with a bunch of guys. I ended up staying over but get your mind out of the gutter - NOTHING happened. Well, that's not entirely true. We spent the longest amount of time gazing at each other saying what amazing eyes the other person had, and then he went to sleep in the other room because he knew he wouldn't get any sleep if we were in the same room. He told me that earlier that week he had had one kiss with a woman he had liked for a long time, and he thought that they were about to have a serious relationship. (He was right, they later married). In my mind, laying there with me and saying all those things was already "cheating" but that's another topic... the entire evening was so intense and wonderful, even though it was one-night-standish. (remember, nothing happened but looking and talking!!) So those shy smiles, intense stares and almost giggles that I had with Nathan totally flashed me back to the evening in 1991 (or whenever) with Joel. Everyone needs an evening (or two, b/c something similar yet different if you catch my drift happened with Nick in 1993) or, I don't know, how about 5 minutes like that with someone. So who knows, maybe we did have a moment, as one of my friends said. I felt like we did, or, I felt like I did. I'm so glad I got to meet him backstage, alone, instead of in the stage door waiting area, with the hoards of opera hotties waiting with their bouquets of flowers.

Ok, back to reality. He probably looks at everyone like that.

Let's talk about John Osborn for a second here. Very nice guy. Amazing voice. I was listening to the live broadcast I have of the Lyric's Barbiere. (Yes, I already have a recording of the production, although not the evening I was there, thanks to my Secret Source, does that surprise you? Thank you, Secret Source.) I can't connect that wonderful voice with the guy I was out at a bar with last week. My husband was totally star-struck by that, btw. How bizarre is that? He (JO, not my husb) kept asking me what I thought, did I like it, etc. Hello? You were amazing... wait, that was you? But you're just this normal guy I'm hanging out with here. A guy who won the singing contest at the Iowa State Fair when he was 16 - could it get any more... Midwestern?

Let's repost his picture here... After all, he's the one who invited me backstage, might as well give him some more air-time... this is from last month, when I met him after Rigoletto. Should've taken another pic with him and/or with him and Nathan together... Oh well.









BTW, readers, he and his very beautiful-like-she-could-be-a-model opera singer wife have a CD coming out soon.

I think I need some psychotherapy or something, because entire posts sounds and seems insane to me. Oh I know, I had to cancel my voice lesson on Thursday b/c I was too tired from traveling, and then this week is spring break for the music school. Is this how patients feel when their psychiatrists take August off to go on vacation?