Torturing Myself

I've been getting the updates about rehearsals from a friend of mine who's supering this summer. Of course they're having a great time. And it doesn't help when she also wonders why I didn't get picked, because she thinks I'd be perfect. Of course we'll never know, but as I am just as self-centered as everyone else, I can't stop thinking that it's because of the blog and what happened last year. Of course that is total paranoia as that would mean that someone in the office would have had to remove my info from the list the super captain sent in to be forwarded to the director, and I doubt they have the time or energy to do that, plus in an ideal world they'd give everything to the director to allow him to create the best possible cast. And trust me, I've learned my lesson- I wouldn't post anything specific - just generalities about the good stuff. Oh well. Maybe someone will drop out.

Clearly I am not used to rejection without a reason.

I can hear my 25 readers thinking, "Oh no, she's not STILL whining about this, is she?" Well, yes, I am, so get over it.

So I wonder if I go back through the blog from the beginning and mark on the calendar the happy and angsty posts if we'll see a monthly pattern. There's a thought.

Normalcy?

When I was a teenager I recall one of my friend's mothers saying that the most commonly asked question among teenagers is, "What's wrong with me?" I wonder if it simply starts during the teenage years, when we really become self-aware, and then fades but never completely vanishes from our psyche.

Obviously I am in dire need of a voice lesson and the mental release it provides.

Today I was practicing Batti Batti and was actually pleased with my progress. I am using all the layers I've built into my voice, or I should say, I'm incorporating them all together much more quickly than I was able to before. I'm really working hard now on staying grounded and using my low abs - keeping the breath low in my body. I'm remembering to open open open and not swallow the vowels that are followed by /r/. I'm even finally getting the hang of reading music. I never really learned before, but finally I feel a little less awkward reading along the rhythm, or moving to the note that the note symbol moves to on the staff. I think in terms of wholes and halves. I still have to work on remembering the sharps and flats from the beginning of the music. But little by little my brain is learning to read the music. I can't necessarily name the note by glancing at the staff, but I can do the changes and the rhythms. I still usually have to do the "Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge" and F-A-C-E for the notes. One layer at a time. I'm glad I'll have a few voice lessons this summer to help me round out the aria.

So anyway, I'm excited by all that. Then, because of Facebook status updates, I'm aware of some of the rehearsal schedule for the opera I'm not supering in this summer, and seeing that makes me sad. Ok, it feels like a kick in the stomach. I know, I know, it sounds so dramatic, but there you have it. I know, I know, get over it already. I am trying to. Really I am. I thought I was over it, until I realized that rehearsals with the supers have probably already begun.

To put things into perspective, I keep reminding myself that if this is what's making me sad, that means that the rest of my life, the real stuff, must be pretty good. Otherwise this wouldn't matter at all.

Plus I still have this other thing in the works at the moment, the thing I won't write about until I know what the outcome will be. So I don't know yet if I'm happy or crushed by that.

So I'm hit with elation, depression, happiness, sadness, and I'm hit pretty hard in both directions, all over the course of several hours. This is my life. Is this normal? To quote the typical teenager, "What's wrong with me?"

Maybe it's time for some medication beyond the girltini. Feel free to recommend your favorite anti-depressant. My doc will rx anything I ask for.

The good, the sad, the cats, the comparison

The good:

My voice lesson yesterday. Especially when she had my lie on the desks on my back to sing. Yes, desks, because my lesson takes place in an elementary school classroom. There's more but I've had too much to drink to go into it now.

The sad:

My friend Colleen lost her battle with cancer today. She is survived by her husband and two children, ages 2 and 5. My heart if breaking for her going, knowing that her kids would be growing up without their mother, and the 2 year old won't remember her.

The cats:


Viola and her closeup, last week.


Viola and Alex when he was about 3 or 4 months old.


Whose crib is this anyway? Alex, age 3 or 4 months.


The comparison:

I'm short! I forget that I'm short until I see pictures like this.

March, 2008 .........and......... October, 2008