Feeling Blueish

I've been sort of bleh and blah all day. Trying to figure out why. I realized it's a combination of things - more Real Life things than opera-keeping-me-awake things. I mean, yeah, I'm disappointed about not supering this summer, but I'll get over it. More of it has to do with Alex and some of the challenges he has because of his sensory processing disorder and PDD-NOS. He goes to a great program provided by our local school district. He is the sweetest and smartest kid (scored in the 90-99%tile in all areas of cognitive development, has perfect pitch and so on) but his behavioral issues are very challenging. He likes things to be exactly the way he wants them to be (who doesn't?) but he doesn't react appropriately when he doesn't get what he wants. Last fall, before he was diagnosed, he was kicked out of preschool because of his impulsive behavior. I dreaded picking him up each day knowing I'd get a report of all the "bad" things he'd done. Each day brings new challenges as we try to rewire him into a regular kid. He's so very smart and eager to learn, but the behavioral and sensory stuff gets in the way of success in school. Socially too - last year, around the same time he was kicked out of preschool, the mother of a friend of his called the day before her son's birthday party to say that Alex couldn't come because she didn't know how he'd be in the unstructured environment of a child's party. (He'd have been fine. She didn't have all the facts.) His response was, "But they INVITED us!" More recently, we were at a birthday party where they had one of those inflatable bouncing house obstacle courses set up in a gymnasium. The fan for the bouncy house was so loud and echoing that he couldn't bear to be in the room. He very much wanted to play in the bouncy house but just couldn't. He has trouble climbing on playground equipment he's never seen before. He has poor fine-motor skills and poor muscle-tone in his upper torso. So all these challenges and let-downs have been going on for a while, and my heart breaks for him every time. So now you can see why I retreat into my fantasy opera life, why I'm silly with my stupid crushes, why I like to perform... it's all an escape. And I guess right now with the supering thing not happening, a chunk of my escape has vanished. So now you know that as you read my blog, all the silliness is my way of escaping. I don't actually want anything from the people I write about. I don't even want to know them. I'm not some freakish fan. I'm just your average mildly depressed 42 year old woman looking for a safe escape.

Sorry for the digression into non-opera topic. Ok, pathetic whining over. We now return to your regularly scheduled silly.

I'm Back. Again. For real.

It all has to do with levels of reality. As in, there's real life, and then there's non-real life. That's related to, but not identical to, unreal life. Unreal life is more like unbelievable reality. It's real, but shouldn't be. Non-real life, on the other hand, is what sometimes tries to cross over into real life, but it's not real. Sometimes it leaks into the blog here. Sometimes I notice and don't care. Sometimes I notice and comment, or even change and/or remove a post. Sometimes I just don't notice. Hm logic problem there... how do I know I don't notice if I'm not noticing? Ack it's not always good being too smart for your own good because it's hard to outwit yourself. So... I believe I (usually?) have a full grasp on what's real and what's non-real. And that's the real reason I'm buying myself a drink.

My Fantasy

OK, don't get all excited about the title. It's not THAT kind of fantasy. Not to say that I don't have bizarre opera-related fantasies, but that's for another forum.

No, no, no. The fantasy to which I'm referring has to do with... the opera. Wow, big surprise! But wait, didn't I just say... but this one isn't bizarre. At least not like that. No, I got the schedule book and ticket order form from the Met today. I went through and picked out which subscriptions I'd love to buy. Technically I could afford a 6 or 7 show weekday subscription up up up in the Family Circle, but then factoring in the train fare, food (and of course the new clothes I'd have to buy!) etc, it's just out of my range. And we're only talking about 1 ticket per show, so I'd be going alone. Alone to the opera yet again? No, because it's just my fantasy. So while we're fantasizing, how about the $12,000 8 person box for New Years Eve, including a cast dance and dinner after the show? The show, which happens to be Romeo and Juliet - Don't need to mention what baritone has a part, do I? While we're still in fantasy land... no no no. Reality keeps butting in! "Remember the last time you mingled with an opera cast after a show?" it points out. "You weren't even interested in meeting the performers, but you couldn't help but notice that most of the people there seemed to know them personally - all that hugging and kissing going on. So do you think you'd ever get near... anyone... at an event at the Met?" OK, Reality, get outta my way! You're ruining my fantasy. OK, 8 seats. Who would I invite? I can barely find 1 person to go with me, how would I find 7??? Although for an event like this perhaps people's schedules would clear. And of course, there's the matter of staying awake that late. So the show ends, the dinner dance begins. What am I wearing? Luckily this particular fantasy includes one of those all-expense paid makeovers, including an appropriate dress with all the accessories, and hey, why not, a massage that afternoon.

OK, back to Reality. There is a matinee of Romeo and Juliet on our wedding anniversary but Jim was reluctant. I'm sure that if it were a homebrew festival or an XTC concert we'd already have the tickets... Another option is the $20 orchestra tickets that are sold starting 2 hours before the performance, Monday through Thursdays. There are only 200 per show. I wonder what time people start lining up?

So it looks like my Met opera attendance will be at the movies only this coming season, barring a financial windfall or other miraculous event. Luckily the NJ Opera Theater is about half the price and only 20 minutes away. And if I get to be a super in an upcoming show, now how cool would that be? If only... no, it'll never happen so I won't even write it.