Gremlins! Buh-Bye

I read the following post out loud to my teacher, before publishing it here:

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Gremlins. Ah those sneaky little things. They get in and sabotage things. Only, they are ... me.

I sang in a recital on Saturday. And as usual, I did not perform as well as I wanted. Why? I kept asking myself. What was different on that day? And slowly I came to realize that I had sabotaged myself. It started with my general feeling of, “Everyone else is so good... why do they let me sing here.” The little gremlin on my shoulder poked me in the side of the neck and taunted in a deep gravelly voice, “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!”

Then the rehearsal, where I sang Ombra mai fu, and the call the next day. “NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” taunted the gremlin. And not being listed on the program in the first place. “SEE!” croaked the goblin. “NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” My rational side whispered, “But they do let me sing. I’m still singing. I AM good enough.” “NO YOU’RE NOT!” snapped the gremlin as he poked me in the neck.

During the week I saw my vocal coach. Corrected some rhythmic and phonetic problems. I sounded pretty good. I recorded it and practiced with it.

Then, the day of the recital. Packed house full of “important” people, ie, potential donors. One singer after another gets up and knocks ‘em dead with a fabulous performance. Then that damn gremlin showed up. “WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH!” poke poke poke. As I waited for my turn, I kept telling myself that that shaky feeling wasn’t fear, it was adrenaline. Well. That damn gremlin managed to knock down my self-esteem and I walked out onto stage nervous. “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH! NOT GOOD ENOUGH! YOU’RE GOING TO CRACK! YOU’LL SEE!” I did my best at the time, but it definitely wasn’t my best. It was acceptable. And I didn’t crack because I safely went under the “flip” for the low notes, rather than trying to keep the air on top. I smiled and all, but I was miserable. Then afterwards, the comments from people... oy vey. How we choose to interpret things.

“You sounded a little nervous when you started... but you got better...”

“You’ve come a long way. And you LOOKED adorable.”

And my favorite, the condescending & sympathetic, “Was this your first time singing with the Opera Project?”

So I have a new goal. That pokey gremlin has been warned: Gremlins who poke will lose their fingers. (thanks to a twitter friend for that gem!) That gremlin has no role in my life. I have sent him floating off in a helium balloon. I know what I can do and how to do it.

I also have been able to look at this not as “yet another humiliation because YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH,” into, you’re ok, you can do better, every performance is a learning experience. I did watch the video and realize I wasn’t as bad as I thought. It was an acceptable performance. But I don’t want to deliver acceptable. I want to deliver, spectacular. I’m hoping to be able to sing Ombra mai fu at the next recital. No more of this “You’re not good enough,” no more poking. I’m going to get out there and show ‘em what I can do. Because you know what? I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!!

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My teacher assured me that yes, I am indeed good enough. She thinks I have the potential to be really really great. I can produce some really beautiful sounds when warming up with scales and so on. All I need to do is consistently apply that to singing arias. I just have to practice staying on top of the air at all times. She also talked about comparing myself to others - which as even I know, is a no-no. I mean, I know how I'd respond to someone who read that gremlin essay to me.

So the next recital is June 11. She doesn't think I'll be ready for Ombra mai fu so we'll figure out what else I can sing. I'm sure we'll come up with something.

So anyway, this is what I wore for the recital:

And this is how I dressed when I got home that evening, to comfort myself in my gremlin-induced pity-party:

And yes, they are footie pajamas and the skulls do glow in the dark. Thank you, Target boys' department.

Still My Own Worst Critic

At my voice lesson this week my teacher insisted that I did a fine job. She said that we are our own worst critics... yep I've heard that before!! She also pointed out that I know what I can do in her studio or at home, and even if I didn't believe that my performance at the recital was as good as I believe I could be, the audience doesn't know it, and on its own, comparing it to nothing, I was fine. We talked about the unexpected things that can happen during a live performance, for example, expecting a chord and getting a note. That wasn't such a big deal for me, but it was an example. We talked about what was going through my mind and about how the more you do it, the more you learn... yeah yeah. I know. It was part counseling/cheerleader session, part voice lesson.

We worked a little on Art is Calling for Me, and then we're going to choose the next thing to work on. I want to sing Nel cor piu non mi sento. Since I'll be seeing Eglise as Lucia on Thursday, here she is to show us how it should be sung. And then I won't listen to it again until after I've learned it...



My teacher has another German lieder piece she'd like me to look at. Then eventually we'll go back to Gretchen, after she rests in the back of my brain for a while. That was a good tactic with Una Donna and Batti Batti, so hopefully Gretchen will work the same way. Or my brain will work the same way. Or something.

Day after tomorrow we head to sunny Florida and Thursday is Lucia di Lammermoor with Florida Grand Opera. There has been so much other stuff going on that I keep forgetting first about the trip and then second that we're going to the opera this week. Once I show up for the flight and then at the theater I imagine my brain will catch up with my body.

Even More Layers

Well of course now I watch that video and cringe, cringe, cringe. I know, the video quality is nothing like Real Life. The horrid beginning is more horrid to me than to anyone else. Sometimes I watch and I'm like, hey, that sounds ok... and other times I'm like, Ohmygod, that note, that screech, what was I thinking. I also feel like I didn't stay in character the entire time. I can totally see my worried expression at the beginning, then other times I sort of lapsed out of it. But I guess the bottom line is: I had a great time, people applauded instead of laughing at me and I am learning a lot - I mean, just seeing how my reactions show up in my face and body - that's something I can learn from, learn to improve my stage presence. Also the bow. Had no idea what to do. Was sort of shocked at the explosion of applause and the shouts of "Brava!" (That loud one was Husband!!) So all those little things, in addition to adding layers to my vocal and singing technique, will make me a better performer in addition to a better singer. Just more layers, more layers. And some, I'm learning, you have to experience in order to even realize they exist.

To change the subject for a moment, I received the info on how to apply to be a super in Carmen. I have to send an arts resume and a full body photo. I'll have to dig up last year's resume and add the singing experience. Then I've been chatting with a friend who is a photographer and she's been giving me some tips on how to get a nice looking full-body pose that doesn't look like the camera is aiming up (or down) your nose. So if I get in, the performances are the first two weekends of Feb, with rehearsals the few weeks prior. They're all over the northern half of the state, and one is in Baltimore. Remember last February... or was that March? When I wanted to go to Baltimore and there was a huge snowstorm? Hm. Anyway, one step at time. Let's get a photo submitted and wait to hear from them.

My Own Worst Enemy = Me

Today while moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer I listened to myself sing in the echoing basement and realized that I sounded just terrible. And then something one of the neighbors said to Husband the other day came back to me in a flash: Have you considered duct tape? And then my brother this past weekend, also to Husband, How do you put up with this all day, while I was singing with my niece and nephew. Add to that, hearing over and over how much I've improved... well, I know it's a compliment, I really do, but in my twisted mind sometimes it translates to, "I must have really sucked before," since I don't like how I sound now. And then this evening, there I was in the basement, not liking what I was hearing at all. I forgot about how much I love studying voice, learning about music, learning about myself and all that - all I could think was that I've been wasting my time and money and I'll never have a pretty voice, and what the hell have I been doing to everyone around me and and and and, down that spiral ... and when I mentioned to Husband that I should just quit, he joked, "Hey, at least you'd be doing it at the end of the semester so you won't lose any money." I know he was kidding and that I have 100% support from him. But part of me thought, "Hm he's got a point there..." but THEN another part yelled in my head "NOOOOO!!!! You're continuing to study over the summer!!!" So that gave me hope in myself.

I know that this line of thought, all of it, from the beginning of the post, is all insane. I'm having a moment of self-doubt and it's turning into self-pity. The thing is, knowing that it's just some sort of moment and that it will pass doesn't make the moment any easier. I truly am my own worst enemy.

I just want to sound pretty. Is that too much to ask? I think I have to let myself like my voice. I have to hear the niceness in it, the good stuff, as I learn more and add more layers. I have to be patient - that's the hardest part! I want instant results!! Finally, I have to remember that building my voice as I have does not mean that I was bad before. It just means... it means I'm better than I was. No judgment on the past - just a relative comparison.

I'm not writing this to beg or ask for compliments. I just felt like sharing/venting/working through my self-doubts. This vocal journey I've been on feels like a roller-coaster ride sometimes. I'm up, I'm down, I'm all twisted around. The highs are high, the lows are low. I sound like such a drama-llama right now. I should probably stop typing and go slap some sense into myself.

Ok, off I go to do that now.