Passion

A lot of my posts lately have started with me remembering something from childhood or teen years. This one is sparked by something I recall from my early twenties.

Soon after college, it seemed to me that most of my friends had some sort of passion. Medical school, midwifery, birdwatching, art, writing and so on. They all seemed to have something in their lives that made them feel complete, something they could immerse themselves in and come up with something to show for it, some sort of product - a career, a piece of artwork, a play, a performance. I felt a little left out. I wondered, "Where's MY passion? How can I just toodle along life, liking lots of different things, but not having a passion?" So now I realize that I just wasn't ready for it. Don't know why, don't really care. Here I am now. I do get wistful and wish I had started studying music in high-school and college. But there's nothing I can do about that.

It's funny because many people have told me that I'm brave for starting to study voice at 40. Then they usually go on to say how they've always wanted to study voice, or sometimes it's some other thing they've "always wanted to do." Well, why not just do it? Time will move forward whether you do it or not, so you might as well start. I don't feel brave about it - I just feel... I don't know... ready. I felt ready. So even though I may regret not starting earlier, it doesn't matter - I couldn't have started before I did because I just wasn't ready.

What's interesting is, I also love love love making earrings. I could call it a passion. I get in The Zone when I'm trying to find the right combo of beads, and when I do, I can actually feel it. Like, a chemical is released in my brain - an endorphin, perhaps? I get the, "Yes, that's right," feeling, and then I know I'm done with that pair. However, my passion for making earrings waxes and wanes. I have these surges where I'm constantly thinking about beads, looking at my beads, looking for new beads, and then I need time off. With music, I can't get enough. The, "Yes, that's right" feeling is bigger. It's huge. I want it. I want it now - I'm impatient. I know I need to build my voice step-by-step, but at the same time I want it all now. It's more than simply being addicted to the adrenaline or endorphin surge. Well, I think it's more. It seems to be. It's this sense of the music opening me up, spiraling around me, being part of me or me being part of it or something... I can get that feeling from listening to certain pieces of music, but it's much more intense when I'm creating the vibrations myself. I'm creating it - I'm a part of it. And I'm becoming more a part of it as I improve. It's amazing. It's an amazing feeling. Also, studying voice has forced me to open up, it's a form of communication. Right now it's allowing me to communicate with myself, but as I have more opportunities to perform I'll be able to share that with people. I've done that already a few times. I think that's one reason I post so many videos - I'm like a child saying, "Look at this! Isn't this great?" And I don't mean my singing, I mean the feeling of singing. It's like being in love - I want to share it with the world. So maybe it is endorphins.

So, I know it sounds sappy, and it makes me weepy to realize it (it's ok, we all know I have a low weep-threshold) - I truly believe I have found my passion.